Self-Compassion is Essential to Diabetes Management
And here's why
I just started working with a new coaching client a couple of weeks ago, and in our intake call on Zoom, she asked me, “Do you really think how we talk to ourselves is that important?”
YES, was my emphatic response.
How we talk to ourselves and what we say (that is, the tone and the content) are big drivers of emotion and then behavior.
If we experience a disappointment, and our internal self-talk is “I can’t believe that happened, I’m such an idiot, I should have known better” we are more likely to feel embarrassment and shame, and depending our temperament we may experience a fight or flight response, either pulling away from the situation or lashing out. Shame as an emotion is damaging to self-confidence, and can make it much harder to feel motivated to try again.
This is where many of my clients are stuck when they come to work with me.
However, if we experience that same disappointment and can turn towards ourselves to say, “Wow, this is really hard. This was really important to me and I worked really hard. It makes sense why this is so painful.” We may still feel sadness, but the shame is mitigated, and the fight or flight response isn’t very strong or it’s nonexistent. We are therefore more likely to stay engaged in whatever our goals are.
What you might notice in the script is how different the tone and content are different. In the first example, there is shock, but then there’s judgement and blame. In the second situation, there are still feelings of sadness and disappointment, but it’s met with validation and empathy.
This is really hard. This feeling makes sense.
So what is the real difference between the two of these situations?
Self-compassion is the difference, and it’s something that I help all of my clients develop in diabetes management. We begin learning and practicing right away as they learn to look for blood sugar patterns with self-compassionate eyes. It’s not about letting ourselves off the hook, but it’s about truly seeing and understanding the difficulties of diabetes so we can respond more effectively and supportively.
So what is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the act of treating ourselves compassionately during challenging and stressful situations, the way we would treat a friend or a loved one. It’s made up of three components, which I will allow self-compassion researcher and expert Kristen Neff explain:
As you can imagine, these concepts come up quite a bit in diabetes management:
Kindness vs. judgement:
As illustrated in the example, we often default into the critic mode. How many of you have seen a disappointing blood sugar or messed up on a bolus and immediately started criticizing and judging yourself? It’s important to note that this is different than taking responsibility. You can have self-compassion and take responsibility for not taking the time to carb count accurately. The difference is in how we talk about ourselves - the ridicule and personal attacks that we can levy on ourselves when we feel we have done something wrong.
A lot of people think, isn’t criticism motivating, but research shows that it really isn’t, and if it is, it’s not very good motivation because it falls under the same umbrella as perfectionism, where the idea is that “I’m not okay, I’m not loved, I don’t have worth if I fail.” Self-compassion is saying, we still have goals and want good things for ourselves, but we also understand that failure and mistakes sometimes still happen and sometimes for very good reasons.
Common humanity vs. isolation:
I blame social media for a lot of this! It’s so easy to scroll Instagram or pop into a Facebook group and see all kinds of graphs and A1C wins from people and think, “Everyone has this figured out except me.” I think we are doing better about collectively showing our common humanity, but it’s still a work in progress. Another area where there can be a lot of isolation is at the doctor’s office. When the attention is solely on you and what you are doing, and there’s no context for how common something is, it’s easy to think "I am such a disappointment, I can’t figure this out.” Doctors also need to step up their compassion game by modeling this for patients.
Mindfulness vs over-identification: Mindful awareness is of course importance because it allows us to notice our emotions, embrace ourselves and meet our own needs. We don’t want to suppress our suffering or ignore it because then we can’t address it. But we need to be balanced so that we don’t over-exaggerate what is happening and find ourselves landing in self-pity, which can also be paralyzing.
Why is Self-Compassion Essential for Diabetes Management?
Research in diabetes specifically has shown a correlation between self-compassion and improved diabetes management. The improvements that self-compassion can have on depression, stress and mood provides a pathway to improved self-efficacy and self-care behaviors.
Another study showed that participants in a mindful self-compassion group had a decrease in depression, diabetes distress and a 1% drop in their A1C compared to the control group.
When we feel better, we manage better!
But more than that, self-compassion changes how we relate to ourselves throughout a variety of different parts of our life. From relationships to work, health to life goals, the skill and practice of self-compassion changes how we show up in our lives with profound benefits.
In my next newsletter, I’ll discuss three ways that you can build your self-compassion practice. It will be available to paid subscribers, but you can also sign up for a free trial of the paid subscription to see what you think.
Additional reading:
Science Explains The Link Between Self-Compassion And Success