How to Be More Kind to Yourself
If it feels hard, read this.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a newsletter about self-compassion and why self-compassion is important for living with diabetes. Today, we are going to talk more specifically about three things you can do to bring more self-compassion into your life.
But first, a review of why this is so hard:
Psychologically, our brains are hardwired to notice and remember criticism much more than praise. We have a negative bias, which means negative experiences are remembered more strongly and more influential than positive experiences. From an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense. You want to make sure you avoid the bear at all costs!
Criticism has also been role modeled in our society. From parents to teachers to bosses, criticism is often demonstrated as the main tool to evoke motivation in a person, even though research has shown self-compassion can be a great motivator and has a more positive impact on psychological well-being.
You can even see just how self-compassionate you are with this online quiz.
So what can we do about this? Here are 3 exercises you can try at home:
Practice Being Your Friend
Imagine the problem or scenario that you’re dealing with is happening to a close friend. What might you say to them to give them comfort? How might you help someone you love when they are suffering? Once you have an idea of what that would look like, practice saying or doing that for yourself.
Examine Your Language
Write down a few things you’ve noticed yourself saying to yourself. Maybe you’ve heard yourself say “I’m such a terrible diabetic” or “I can’t believe I did that” in a very harsh, belittling tone. Think about what is happening when you say those things, and then write out a different response that you could say instead.
Prioritize Your Needs
One of the most powerful things we can do when we are going through a hard time is to figure out what we really need, versus what we think we “should” need or focusing on what other people need or would need to handle those moments. Focus on what would actually help you to feel safe, cared about, and validated emotionally.
Here are a few more suggestions from Dr. Kristen Neff, associate professor of educational psychology at UT-Austin, researcher, and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.